Bathroom “Break”

restroom-304987_1280Bathroom breaks are a joke in mommy world. Whether you need to pee or you have the runs, the break is a 20 seconds AT most ordeal. 20 SECONDS, wiping included! If taken any longer, these little creatures, aka kids, will find you 21 seconds after you disappear out of their site. If you haven’t mastered this (and I truly hope you haven’t) get ready to have banging, crying, and fingers under the door. The crappy (no pun intended) situation here, is that these creatures literally make you feel shitty (lol! I just can’t help it) for taking a shit!! Forget about having a peaceful experience and/or get ready to have an audience EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Why is it that while sitting on the shitter those tiny fingers under the door seem like they need you the most?? As if you don’t get out soon, something horrible will happen to them! Even if your husband is home, you find yourself worried that those little sausages are in so much pain and danger. Oh! and let me tell you, as soon as you know you won’t be done in 20 seconds, those chunky fingers have been crying for 10 1/2 seconds, and you give in and let them in… it’s a WHOLE other story! You instantly regret opening that door, those chunky helpless fingers, who now, have a whole body with a little curious brain… begin to touch EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING! You quickly go from feeling sad for leaving them for a few fucking seconds to wanting to throw them out ASAP!! On the contrary, if they don’t follow you and your having a “peaceful experience”, you quickly start panicking and thinking the worst case scenarios EVER, the whole place will be an utter disaster OR they will get into the kitchen and burn the whole house down!!! Aaaaaarrrrrghh……Natures feeling has passed and you can barely wipe correctly before saying fuck it! I’ll shit later when they go to bed or in about 18 years (constipated much? Now you know why!). Meanwhile, their father takes 30 minute shits without a care in the world and has time to come up with his greatest ideas in there!! Go figure!

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